Freak

Today, *I* am the freak.

I am lying bed, which is where I prefer to be at 7am. I hear those little feet.

"Mommy!"
"What."
"There's something in the big room with the big TV!"
"Something?"
"Yeah! There's something in the big room with the big TV! It's a CWAB!!!"
"A crab?"
"YEAH! And I saw it moving!"

I figured I'd better get up. I thought I would prefer to know where the "cwab" was rather than lie in bed and not know later. I get into the living room and there, on the ceiling, is the world's largest centipede.

There is no way I can do this. I was figuring that since I would have to stand on something in order to deliver an effective, crushing shot, I would have to be standing on something, THAT would put my face about 12 inches away from the beast.

I call the neighbors. Not home.

I am now psyching myself up to do this, since there is apparently no one else to rescue me.

I look out the kitchen window -- another neighbor!

I run outside to catch him, noticing that his kids are waiting in the car for him to deliver them to school. I have no mercy.

"Brian! Can you come here a second??"
"Sure."
He RUNS over with wide eyes, most likely thinking that someone is dying. I meanwhile realize what I am wearing and it is NOT a pretty sight -- 7 months pregnant with a no-bra white tank top that is TOO BIG and shorts. I have to rescue him a little bit so I put on a sweatshirt. He comes to the door.

"Can you get that????" as I point to the ceiling.

Now he does not dare laugh at me since he has a wife and three daughters so I think he knows the seriousness of the situation.

And he says the words I have been dreading.

"Sure. Do you have a TISSUE or something?"

I need to take a little break here to talk about this. How on EARTH is it possible for a guy to squish a mammoth, crunchy thing with a hundred legs with a TISSUE? I can barely do it with a flyswatter (and in this case, I obviously couldn't even do that). I guess I should be surprised he wouldn't just do it with his bare hand!

I handed him a fly swatter and he takes a miss (me and Sarah scream as the things starts running around -- see its not just me!), then a hit, then swats it again on the carpeting (I guess I should probably suck up all those little vibrating legs now). He even has the decency to pick up the body and take it with him.

He calmly says, "I have to get the girls to school now" and I find myself apologizing.

I was SERIOUSLY ready to just pack up the kids and leave, but then I would come home knowing that lurking somewhere in the darkest depths of the house would be this creature, so I thought it best to deal with the issue head-on (you know, like calling the poor neighbors to do it).

Go ahead and laugh at me, but I know that somewhere out there is someone who would have done the exact same thing.