Now I knew they were moving stuff around and all that, but I was unprepared for what I found at Hell-Mart this morning. First of all, half the floors have been ripped up and you now get to walk on bare cement. Except at the junctions of where there USED to be a floor and there no longer IS one, is a large bump. Most of them have been ground down to facilitate carts (since people use carts at stores) but every now and then you get to hit a bump which plummets the cart handle into your gut, and throws your un-properly-restrained children across the cart (or, even better, right off the end of the cart!). So in this Hell-Mart there are large open areas of where stuff used to be, and conspicuously-missing large segments of departments. So I walk back to the shoe department, except the shoe department is now the basket department. The shoes are where the girls' clothing used to be. I find what I am looking for (no -- REALLY!) and proceed to look for windshield wipers. The computer told me my car does not exist so I grabbed one that looked good enough.
At about this time of the excursion, I realized that I was somehow getting very consistently shocked by something. Now, being the farm girl that I am, this felt a lot like the electric fences "back on the farm". This means that about every 3-4 seconds a small, sharp "spark" shot through my left hand. I thought maybe it has something to do with Sarah touching me or some other sort of electrostatic connection. But I soon discovered that anywhere I touched the cart while walking caused a shock. So I tried to keep my hands on the plastic covering thing (which Sarah had just fully sneezed on) but no matter where I held onto the cart some part of my hand had to touch the metal. Grrrr.....
Got everything? Head for the checkouts. Now there used to be about 25 checkouts lanes. But today, however, there was a large, half-constructed "hut" sitting where 5-6 of these lanes used to be. So someone was building a building inside of another building. Only half the roof was on it, and half the walls were up, but the detector-alarm panels were already in place.
Found my lane. Once I got there I became overwhelmed with relief that I had not picked up that super-jumbo-size package of scented pantyliners -- for there was a new, extremely attractive guy working in that lane. I looked for an alternative so I would not have to face him with my bedhead and kid-stained lounging clothes, but alas -- with only 7-8 aisles remaining, there were only 3 or 4 open today. I let a lady in a hurry go before me to better prepare for the unavoidably-approaching interaction. Little did I know that she was a "problem customer". (Does this happen to anyone else?)
Lady: "That Littlest Pet Shop toy was on clearance. Why is it ringing up at $10.95?"
Cute Guy:
Lady: "It was on the clearance shelves. It should be marked down."
Rescusing Supervisor (a.k.a. "Red Vest"): "I'm sure it was just placed on the wrong shelf while everything over there was being moved this morning. It's still $10.95."
Lady: "Well that's the normal price. It should be on clearance."
Cute Guy: "When they moved those shelved they must have just set these on the wrong shelving area. I'm sure not all the temporary workers know where everything goes."
Lady: "Well I thought $10.95 was the normal price. I've bought these before and $10.95 sounds pretty typical."
Red Vest and Cute Guy exchange glances. Lady taps her foot on the floor.
Cute Guy:
Red Vest: "It's still $10.95."
Lady: "Well then they shouldn't be on the clearance shelves."
Cute Guy just rang it up and shoved it in the bag while Lady continued to whine.
My turn. Throw everything onto the conveyor belt, double-checking to make sure nothing is weird or embarassing. Apple juice, applesauce, kids' winter coats (ONLY $7!!), 2-liters of soda, windshield wiper. Whew.
Everything gets packed up and I suddenly feel desperate to leave this guy with a good impression (since I was giving Lady death looks previously).
Cute Guy: "Did you find everything ok?"
Me: <<"are you kidding" look>> "You know, Wal-Mart is nightmare on an average day; who would have thought it could be even worse??"
Cute Guy: "Ha. Ha. Ha."
Me: "So push this cart around for a while and see if it shocks YOU every 3-4 seconds."
Cute Guy: "You too?? I thought I was the only one that happened to! Its doesn't happen at any other store!"
See? Now if I hadn't said anything we would not have bonded like this. I packed up and left, making sure to suck in my stomach and swing my rear just a little bit extra. (I am HOTTTTTT!)
Next was n'Joy. Sat there for about 45 minutes before deciding to drop the soda off at Denise's house for her party tonight. Got her a mocha and headed over there. Not home. Of course. So I thought Leslie could use a mocha and went there. I gave her the mocha and she asked, "What is this for?" (I hate stupid people). I said, "In all honesty it was for Denise but she wasn't home. So you can have it."
I went out to her driveway and shoveled up some slushy stuff then went back inside (sweating my butt off) to sit down and have cat dander stick to my face. After an itchy 20 minutes or so, we packed up. Sarah had to go potty AGAIN so I took her in and waited. She likes to watch herself pee so when she did this today she managed to fill her legs with pee, which then dripped into the Dora seat, and from there all over the big seat and down the front of the toilet. Her pants were soaked, as were her undies. I used wipes to clean everything up, then realized that I had a half-naked kid with no alternative clothing along. Since we were going right home, Leslie got a towel which she wrapped around Sarah's waist. After redoing in the wrapping a couple times, having Sarah freak out about the towel dragging on the ground, and literally stepping out the door, I told Sarah to just hold the towel and run to the car. I turned around to say goodbye again and Leslie was laughing. I turned around to look and there's my little girl -- towel hiked up around her waist, and a cute little baby hinder running its way over to the car. I yelled "Sarah!" She ignored me and kept running. Leslie is laughing even harder. I reached Sarah and said, "Honey you can't run around with your hinder sticking out." She replied, "But I WIKE my HINER thicking out!"
We headed for home. Now, I have to say that while I was traversing around the city I had heard things rolling around in the back of the car. Since there were four 2-liters of soda and two gallons of apple juice back there I assumed something would no longer be upright. I do, however, have a history of things flying out of the back of my car, all facilitated by an inclined driveway -- so I was slightly concerned. (Gallon of milk -- CRASH! Case of soda -- CRASH!, etc.)
Got home, got out the naked girl, who again had to show the 'hood her rear end, and proceeded to get the Hell-Mart stuff out of the back while Sarah continued inside. Opened up the back hatch and BAM! Big freaking jar of Sam's Club Unsweetened Applesauce CRASHES to the concrete driveway. Not only the driveway, but my feet and legs, the back of the car, inside the garage, and down into the little dividing crack between the garage floor and driveway. Applesauce everywhere. Glass had actually flown down the driveway, to both sides of the garage, and under the car. Very impressive. Two bucks literally down the drain. Scooped it up with (OF COURSE) my Pampered Chef scraper thing and proceeded inside, only to find a still-half-naked girl sprawled out on the living room carpeting, butt-side up, playing with her dollhouse. The other jar of applesauce was saved by the bag's handle hooking onto the latch for the back door -- hanging about 3 inches above the ground.
I'm sure this is one of those times I will look back on and laaaaauuuuugh. Right?
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